A Glimpse Into My Brain

I started my last post with a purpose and ended it with a wish. My overall motivation stays the same, I just have been trying to break it down into smaller more understandable sections.

It’s hard for me to talk about myself and my feelings because hearing it out loud makes me realize how absurd they can sound. Writing is a little bit easier, but I still have to be careful not to beat myself up. But here are some things from my head.

I don’t really know how to make this stuff *not heavy*- but it is real.

Lately, one thought has grown to the point that it is starting to consume me entirely. Well, it started out as a thought, but I’m worried it may become a way of thinking. It has to do with how much I should do and how unable I feel. It’s being overwhelmed and unsure where to start. I am not saying that I am a lost cause, I’m not. I wake up every day and go to work, where I do my best. I try to hold my own at home. I try to reach out to those who need me. I try not to become distant from those who may not need me as much as I need them. All throughout this process of day-to-day life, I try to hold myself to a standard of honesty and dependability without being too much of a perfectionist. If new things are added to my list I am okay at adapting but procrastinate if they are for my own benefit only. It’s just that so many things have been brought to light about myself and about improvement in general and flaws and excuses and life that my tendency to overthink makes ignorance seem ideal.

Certain little things inhibit my progression from time to time. For example, I get really scared of making phone calls unless I am really close with the person. This makes scheduling appointments a real problem.

I am scared of my financial future and my ability (or lack thereof) to spend money wisely. The financial problems that often accompany my doctor and therapy visits are great at helping my brain justify my hatred of phone calls. But, If I don’t go to the doctor then that just leads to more problems. Those problems are personal though, so I postpone.

I can’t be too late to or too early- it makes me crazy. I try my hardest to make my entrance around the same time as everyone else. In fact, just the other day I was going to a little get-together. I thought I was doing pretty well on time, I was somewhere around 5-10 minutes late, which is *usually* a safe bet. When I drove up to my destination there were no other cars in the parking lot. Obviously, I couldn’t go in by myself, so I drove around for a while stalling.

I tend to think people are mad at me or that I am the cause of problems. This has improved as I have gotten older. I have a skewed perception that the whole ‘you can only change what can control’ and ‘start with yourself’ stuff is just another way of saying that everything is my fault. I understand now that it is not, but I have to lead myself out of that thought train and sometimes I fall subject to it, especially if it is *crunch time* or a moment of crisis.

Is this relatable content? I get such a sinking feeling and beat myself up for feeling the way that I do. I feel adequate at helping others when they are sinking similarly, but when it’s just me I get afraid to share and standoffish and distant as coping mechanisms. But I have come to realize that one can only ‘fake it till you make it’ for so long, especially when the ‘make it’ part doesn’t seem like a tangible goal.


There are a few things to keep in mind when you are struggling: you're enough, it's OKAY to get help, you're allowed to feel, to be you. Talk to the people who really love you, not the ones who say things to please you or don’t really listen or only love you conditionally.

An Introduction

Before I even start, here is a little disclaimer. Although I encourage your freedom to think what you will, it is not my intention to try to receive any form of pity from anyone. I know that life is hard for everyone and we all go through things differently. I want nothing more than understanding between all of us, it’s just that my story is all that I have to give.

There is an undeniable trend in successful relationships. When I first started dating, being the perfectionist that I am, I started seeking out the best ways to have a great relationship. I went to the people in my life that I looked up to as having healthy relationships and asked them for their secret. Turns out it’s simple: communication.

Honestly, this post is not about relationships at all, but that research made me realize something about society. If we are not able to talk freely, things are not going to end well. That sums up my feelings about the stigma surrounding mental illness. We need to be able to talk about it.

The mind is a complicated place and I am searching for the best way for me to get things in order. Sometimes I need to understand how others have dealt with similar situations. Sometimes I just need to feel like I am being heard. Sometimes I just need an outlet for all of my feelings.

So I am going to do what I feel like I am able to try and fill those needs that my mind has. I am going to share as much or more than I feel comfortable sharing. I am going to try to do my part to break down this stigma and try to satisfy the longing for understanding that I hold in my heart. I want there to be safety in sharing. For me, that means that I have to share- whether it be safe or not.

I suffer from depressive episodes and have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, more commonly known as “depression”.  That is the label I have that helps some days and feels demeaning other days. It is a small word that represents about 15 million people in the U.S. (adaa.org). We are real people.

I am sure that depression is different for everyone that has it. There is a specific criteria you have to fit to be diagnosed with depression. But there is also a lot of *gray area* because we are all individuals with different minds and bodies that are going to respond in different ways. My depression tends to lead to anxiety-like symptoms, causing me to fit the criteria for an anxiety disorder as well. I also have a generally depressed mood, which, if it persists, could be merit for a Persistent Depressive Disorder (PPD) diagnosis.

But before I get too technical, I am going to get personal. If you would have asked me four years ago what depression was, my response would probably frighten current me. So I am just going to simplify it a little. A little reminder that I really want safety in sharing. I am not doing sharing for anyone's pity. I want this to be a safe place. That doesn’t mean it will always be comfortable.  If any of this frightens you, just know, it frightens us too.

What it’s like for me physically: a feeling of weight in my lungs and head, blurry eyes, shoulder tension, inability to communicate effectively, always tired, headaches, other inexplicable pain

Mentally: confusion, lack of motivation, inability to prioritize, hatred of self, quick to be irritated, thoughts of self-harm/suicide. It’s living in the shadow of the expectation of others and even more daunting sometimes is the shadow of my own expectation. I am scared to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to be a burden.

It is hard to keep my responsibilities in order. I feel like the things I am supposed to have figured out are like rocks and pebbles in a jar. The objective is to fit everything inside. I just keep dumping out the jar and trying to reorganize the stones over and over. Just when I think I have it all together I realize that there are still important things that I have left on the table and haven’t even thought about for a while. More rocks and pebbles keep showing up and the jar isn’t about to get any bigger.

(I love parks and rec)

I am going to try and be as real as possible here. Some of these things don’t make sense to me. There are days when I don’t know which things are aspects of my personality and which are due to the chemicals in my brain or lack thereof. Where is the line?

I have a wish mixed with a hope (if that isn't the most princessy thing I have ever said) that humanity will be open about mental health. That it can be something talked about with children in families and at school and safely. That it will not be looked at as a taboo to be avoided, but something that needs to be faced. Hopefully, we can all communicate and help each other. Hopefully, we can be together on this.